An Apple A Day Keeps The Witch Doctor Away

The United States’ increasingly deficient health care system has left millions uninsured and accrued insurmountable debt for the nation.  With Congress bent on antagonistic debate the casualty of time is expressed in American lives.

The amount of exhausted bickering and lack of foresight from both houses is exactly correlated with the number of lives being cut short and the amount of pain being endured.  Furthermore, our highly inaccessible health care program has left students to fend for themselves.

Dan Goodwin, a resident director at a local state college reported that, “Nowadays parents aren’t sending their children packages filled with freshly baked cookies or that copy of Pulp Fiction they forgot to bring to school with them.  Instead they are sending their kids industrial size tubs of vitamins and hand sanitizer!”

For the students who don’t have parents who love them. a new avenue is developing.  The youth of today are returning to a classic healthcare solution: witch doctors.

Many adults are surprised by the return to medicine men of old and have been known to scoff at this method of self-healthcare.  With nowhere else to turn, there has been a massive increase in demand for witch doctors on college campuses.

Len Talbot, a freshman at SUNY Fredonia has no choice but to seek alternate sources of relied for his cold.  “Mama can’t feed me chicken soup when I’m four hours from home, so I gotta find my own way”, Talbot lamented.  These deviant healthcare providers provide a host of services.   Not only do they continue to prescribe their classic hexes and love potions, they are also licensed to administer cure-all medicine for most malices.

Komeni-Asoli, fourth generation mystic healer, has seen his number of clientele increase ten-fold since being in a college town.  “Believe it or not, if you add a little horny goat weed to your everyday love potion, you can clear up in about 12 hours and increase your libido at the same time.”

Low cost and garunteed results are what keep the allure of going to see these shaman, but political views are at play.  Against Barack Obama’s call for universal healthcare, Chet Brendt said, “Before I become a commie-socialist I’ll toss mojo-jojo a bag of chicken bones.  Heck, I’ll toss him two!”

This resurgence of unconventional treatment sheds light on the simple fact tuat healthcare is a luxury that is affordable to only those with modest incomes; the rest of us have some conjuring to do.  Perhaps one day Americans will come to realize Sweden rules.  Until then, “double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble.”’

-Mister Polone, October 2009


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