After three long months and six uninspired attempts to stop the worst oil spill in United States history, BP officials claim they have found a solution “for real this time”. BP CEO Tony Hayward announced on Monday that the company would try a risky but potentially effective tactic called the “Count Chocula Defense”. Although the name may sound confusing, the method itself is actually very simple.
“Basically, all we’re going to do is dump a bunch of Count Chocula into the Gulf of Mexico” said Hayward in a recent Twitter update. Hayward has avoided public appearances after his latest slip-up, citing high risk of merited assassination. Despite his media dodging, he has been spotted drinking to belligerency at ritzy nightclubs with Tiger Woods and Jon Gosselin.
The announcement for this new plan comes not a moment to soon, as Americans are finally ready to stop talking about how terrible the situation is and start taking action.
President Barack Obama took a quick break from a pick-up basketball game to explain the logistics of the plan. “As I understand it, the plan just involves using helicopters to dump tons of Count Chocula into the infected water. Then, we will no longer have the issue of oil washing up on American beaches; we’ll instead have sugary chocolate water. And everybody loves a little chocolate”, he said with a wink.
American company General Mills said in a public statement they are “happy to help a worthwhile cause”, and intend to sell their cereal to the U.S. Government in exclusive bulk-sized boxes that are usually reserved for members of Sam’s Club and BJ’s.
Although the plan seems fool proof, some critics have already begun expressing concern. Most commonly, there is the issue of the little Dracula marshmallows in the cereal, which do not dissolve as quickly as the chocolate balls.
“All of the tiny marshmallows will eventually wash ashore, potentially taking over beaches and making for candy-infested swimming conditions” said Dr. Timothy Strakosh, a former Environmental Biology professor at Columbia University. “Furthermore, this will attract all kinds of unwanted species to the coast lines”.
Fortunately, the issue has already been addressed. With Texas having the nation’s highest obesity rate, and Mississippi and Louisiana having the highest poverty rates, BP officials are confident the marshmallows will be consumed immediately upon reaching the shore.
The plan is scheduled to begin Tuesday, and even though Hayward is “34% sure the plan will work”, concerned citizens can take comfort in knowing the aquatic life of the Gulf of Mexico will at least get 100% of their Daily Values in calcium, sodium, and potassium.
–Brett Jones, June 2010