Man Tries To Obtain “Jesus-Powers” Through Bread And Wine Diet

“Weight ain’t an issue when you can walk on water.” This is Jeffery Bigelow’s mantra for his drastic and experimental new diet consisting of only red wine and bread. Bigelow, a Chicago Transit Authority employee for 14 years and father of three, decided his life had potential to be so much more.

“Bein’ a daddy is coo’ and pressure washing train platforms is aight too but sometimes you feel like you could be on some whole-nother-level-shit. Some superhero-Jesus-shit,” said Bigelow when asked why he started the diet. “I’ve been fly but you never know if you can really fly until you try- so imma drink dat wine ‘til my shit’s divine.”

Though Bigelow claims he is far from religious, he does believe Jesus Christ was superhuman due to the powers he obtained through a restrictive diet. While no concrete scientific proof has been found to support this claim, there is also not enough evidence to rule out this possibility.

For three weeks Bigelow has been surviving solely on Wonder Bread and Franzia box wine. Even though he has not yet seen any results, he says he feels like he is, “ready to transcend this planet in panic,” any day now. He also claims that his beliefs, while unconventional, bring him great comfort and a reason to keep living. Still, some skeptics believe that Bigelow’s theory is foolish and unfounded.

“We may not have any scientific proof that this heathen’s theory is impossible but we have faith it is. So in other words, we are absolutely certain that Bigelow’s claims are gobbledygook,” said Gerard Buckingham, an adjunct professor and usher at his local church. When asked what suggestions he had for Bigelow, Buckingham simply replied, “he needs to surrender his life to the Lord Our Savior and stop trying to think for himself so much.” Buckingham later admitted he has no facts to support his statements but maintains his steadfast Christian beliefs and, “recent chats with God,” are enough to discredit any opposition.

Despite trying to achieve the same powers as Jesus, Bigelow is adamant that he desires no praise or religious affiliation once he reaches his goal. “I’m just a dude with some kids and a wife tryin’ to make the best of my life,” he said with a smile while enjoying a cigarette on his lunch break, “besides, imagine how much better the wine will taste when you made it yourself.”


Brett Jones, October 2010


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