Family Video Introduces “Family Videos” To Adult Section

Confirming a long standing suspicion, it is now official that Family Video is in fact a cult run by creepy weirdoes.  As if the horrendous light beacon in front of the building and strange robot employees weren’t enough to cause alarm, the company recently announced they would begin carrying a series of incest themed adult films from the “Family Videos” series. The statement comes as a surprise to some, but not to anyone who has ever been in the store.

Eileen Stevens, a local mother of three, expressed her reservations about the establishment: “Every time I go in there I get the heebie-jeebies” she said while clutching her cross necklace. “One time, I went in there and they gave me a free rental because I hadn’t rented anything in the past three months.  What kind of company rewards you for being a bad customer?  A company that’s up to no good, that’s who.”

Stevens is not the only one to notice Family Video’s questionable business tactics.  The practice of giving away free rentals struck one college student as similar to, “a loser kid who gives you the dessert from his lunch everyday because he wants you to be his friend”.  Another customer said they became skeptical of the company’s policies after an employee showed up at his door with an axe asking, “where is the copy of Daddy Day Care we let you borrow?!”

Now, a year after opening, Family Video seems to be making little attempt to maintain any form of dignity.  The company not only announced they would be carrying incest pornography, but also launched a campaign encouraging members to submit their own videos for the upcoming series.  While this might seem like seem like an outlandish request, Family Video is prepared to compensate anyone who is chosen for the next series with (up to) five free rentals.

Since the announcement regarding the new “Family Videos” series, the store has experienced huge backlash.  Rentals have dropped 50%, despite the “Come in! We have candy!” sign recently displayed outside.  Meanwhile, Blockbuster has seen a rise from three customers a day to a staggering seven.

Still, store manager Brian Peppers maintains that he is not an evil person and Family Video is still an upstanding establishment, despite negative accusations.

“We are not monsters or freaks or aliens” claimed Peppers in a recent exclusive interview, “We just care about the community and believe in the importance of close-knit families.  Let me reinforce that: family is everything to us.  Family.  Close, loving and sexually open families.”


Brett Jones, November 2010


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