Two Fucking Weirdos Open A Heavy-Petting Zoo

Twin brothers and life-time weirdos James and Jeff Langol have created one of the freakiest pastimes ever advertised: a heavy-petting zoo. Last Thursday in front of  their mobile home, the Langols  cut the proverbial  ribbon to announce the grand opening of their “zoo,”  fittingly  named “Inappropriate Fields.” The plot of land the zoo sits on

Sesame Street Falls Prey To Urban Developers

It was made public yesterday that the beloved Sesame Street will be leveled and replaced with a team of 50-storied luxury condominiums.   This shocking news comes only months after the streets 40th Anniversary.  The plans were announced Tuesday morning on PBS right before the show aired. It appears that the show’s executives, Bert Carr and

Foreign Language Professor Admits “Getting Blazed” Before Class

Friday afternoon, Canadian born French Professor Dr. Jean-Robert Rousseau spoke candidly with the Literary Lampoon in an interview concerning alleged rumors surrounding his use of controlled substances. ” Oh I smoke weed everyday. No doubt about it.” Professor Rousseau commented unashamed. “I know it’s frowned upon because it’s illegal and everything, but I really don’t

Scared Firefighter Condemns Cat To Life In Tree

“That kitty looks happy as can be, and let’s not forget that cats can live in trees for years. Mr.Sprinkles T. Pembrook is going to be fine.” This was the response from local firefighter Vince Umbrick when he was asked whether or not he planned on saving the cat. Mr. Umbrick has been a proud

Horny Dad Breezes Through Bedtime Story

“After trying the first bowl of porridge, Goldilocks decided she wasn’t hungry and preferred being thin so she jogged home.  The end.”  On Sunday night, this is how Gary Sendick told his son Todd the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. This is clearly a disgusting contrast from the classic and honored story of

Man Finds Comfort In Warm Toilet Seat

America was reminded Tuesday that blessings come in many forms.  In a shocking turn of events, notoriously self-loathing middle school music teacher Marc Freewind has apparently found an unexpected source of happiness; a warm toilet seat at a local supermarket. According to Marc’s few remaining family members, he has seemed withdrawn and sullen recently after

Strategic Race Relations: The Importance Of Having A Black Friend

In today’s sensitive social climate, the last thing any self respecting individual wants to be called is racist.  Racism no longer asserts power and hierarchy as was originally intended, but instead carries a negative connotation of ignorance and an assumption that one voted for the un-hip candidate.  In order to avoid being lumped in with

An Apple A Day Keeps The Witch Doctor Away

The United States’ increasingly deficient health care system has left millions uninsured and accrued insurmountable debt for the nation.  With Congress bent on antagonistic debate the casualty of time is expressed in American lives. The amount of exhausted bickering and lack of foresight from both houses is exactly correlated with the number of lives being

Teenager Loses Virginty Via Sexting

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.  This week, Dunkirk teenager Ashley Ficci gave up her v-card in what may be the future of sexual intercourse; sexting.  “Steve and I have been dating for about a month and a half now, so we thought it was time to take things to the next level” she said

Tanning Proven Valuable In Covering Up Medicocrity

Another beautiful autumn; the leaves change from green to brown, and summer tans fade as it becomes more and more unbearable to go outside.  However, due to the ‘tanning craze’ that has struck popular culture, an increasing number of people are refusing to let go of their crispy brown complexion.  As a result, men can