Rev-o-lu-tion-ar-y: adjective; idealistic criminal. See also: societal escapist.

The last of the strawberries have long vanished the vine. The air has gone from lipton to brisk and the goo between eye and screen has become crusty. Perhaps radio waves shorted brainwaves. One cannot be sure when the upstairs fog set in, but it is safe to say there is a haziness that nowContinue reading “Rev-o-lu-tion-ar-y: adjective; idealistic criminal. See also: societal escapist.”

I’m Falling In Love With Prostitutes.

I met the most beautiful girl on the train recently.  The presence of her in my life still feels like a dream.  She had heartbreaking greenbrown eyes.  She kind of had a butt chin, but it was cute.  She had a tiny star tattoo on the inside of her forearm.  I’ll start from the beginning.Continue reading “I’m Falling In Love With Prostitutes.”

Elizabeth Taylor Probably Liked It Doggy-Style

I don’t normally do this, but here’s the story on this one.  Recently I’ve been applying for jobs around New York City using craigslist.  This is a bad thing.  The rewards of this practice are possible, but you need to need to be very careful.  It’s easy to get dooped. And I did.  After siftingContinue reading “Elizabeth Taylor Probably Liked It Doggy-Style”

I Still Have A Soul, I Still Have A Soul, I Still Have A Soul…

From now on, I’m ignoring the winter cover-ups. Everything: the colorful lights, the semi-annual friends-and-family sales, the made up zodiac controversy, and everything that comes out of Sarah Palin’s mouth on Entertainment Tonight. I want to be oblivious to all of it.  It’s winter outside, it’s cold and grey, and it sucks.  The snow looksContinue reading “I Still Have A Soul, I Still Have A Soul, I Still Have A Soul…”

Are You As Happy As Me?

Today, I think I’ll eat a big bowl of Skittles and wildflowers just to throw up a rainbow. And you know what? I’ll be laughing the whole time. After that, heck, I might start listening to Christmas Carols on repeat and not stop for the next twelve weeks, just because I like their catchy melodiesContinue reading “Are You As Happy As Me?”

Before You Dress Like A Whore For Halloween…

Keep in mind everyone is judging you.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s acceptable to dress like a schizophrenic stripper just because little kids go door to door begging for candy.  You’re wrong.  You look ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.  I don’t care how cute your “girls” claim you look or howContinue reading “Before You Dress Like A Whore For Halloween…”

C U Next Tuesday

Control yourself; I’m talking about exactly what you think I’m talking about. The final frontier. The coup de grâce. The last great “bad” word.  I’m talking about a word so perfectly awful, it doesn’t even have a place in back of the bus conversations among middle schoolers. A word so delightfully bad, editors and censorsContinue reading “C U Next Tuesday”

Campaign Speech Mad Libs!

Don’t waste your time listening to empty promises and tired excuses this campaign season.  Make your own instead! Bullshit has never been as EASY or FUN! ___ (group of people) ___, our country has come to a ___ (non-specific location) ___, and now you have the __ (adjective) __ to change the political landscape ofContinue reading “Campaign Speech Mad Libs!”

Sorry, But “How Was Your Summer?” Is No Longer An Acceptable Ice-Breaker

Well, it’s been a week and a half since classes began.  New friends have been made, schedules are finally memorized, and almost everyone has been sufficiently raped by the overpriced campus bookstore.  The nights are warm, the beer is cold (unless you still think frat parties are cool), and life is good. Unfortunately, settling intoContinue reading “Sorry, But “How Was Your Summer?” Is No Longer An Acceptable Ice-Breaker”

Trouble Naming Your Band? Just Add “Fat Girl”

As a non-member of any band, it is my uniformed assumption that the hardest part is choosing a name. From The Beatles to The Jonas Brothers, there is one thing every successful band has in common; they have a name. It is no secret that we here at The Filtered Press always aim to helpContinue reading “Trouble Naming Your Band? Just Add “Fat Girl””