Plans To Pickup Someone At The Bar Cancelled For “Lack Of Confidence,” Officials Say

In a horrible upset on Thursday night, Sean Cooper’s plans to “get some strange” were called-off due to a lack of self-confidence and charisma. Cooper’s biggest fans, his housemates Brian and Jason, were looking forward to seeing a good game but went home dejected at the news of cancellation. “I kinda figured the whole, uh, lack of self-confidence thing was gonna be a problem for him tonight. I’m mean he’s been fighting that his whole time playing in college. I guess sometimes it’s too much and you gotta throw in the towel,” Brian said.

Cooper’s stats show that he consistently has 9 out of 10 Bar Hook-up Attempts (BHAs) thrown out due to lack of self-worth and fear of rejection. He is currently ranked last in his league of junior English majors; although he’s shown great improvement since freshman year when he wasn’t even able to ‘make eyes’ at a girl from across the room. However, thankfully now 1 out of every 10 attempts, Cooper is able hold a 3 minute conversation with a girl; albeit it’s usually while she’s waiting for her friend to come back from the bathroom.

All this said, even a player like Cooper has played a game good before. When especially drunk and helplessly alone in a sea of available women, Cooper reminds himself of, “that one time spring semester” where he, “got hammered and hooked up with that one really cute freshman girl.” But she won’t text him back.

Mr. Polone, September 2010


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