GOAT TURD CANDY CO. SEEKS INVESTORS

Just launched Goat Turd and now I am looking for some people to share the power and glory with me as we revolutionize the candy world. Goat Turd candy is really good candy. It tastes like you want it to and even melts at the right time in your mouth, and of course never in

College Grads Find That Dreams Are Frivolous

Three months after graduating college, Brad Foster wakes up at 12:30 PM, finishes the warm beer on the cardboard box nightstand next to his bed, and falls back asleep until 3. It’s a Wednesday and his next four hour shift at Old Navy isn’t until Saturday afternoon. Until then, he has nowhere to be, no

“Sickle Cell” Ice Show Opens Friday

This weekend, audiences will melt as the enduring characters of touring musical “Sickle Cell” dance across the hard frozen ice rink of SUNY Fredonia’s campus. The nine month tour has already touched hundreds of individuals across the country, and the company anticipates an identically strong positive response here to those they have received thus far,

Mark Zuckerberg to Spend Entire Fortune on Facial Reconstruction Surgery

Answering the question of the year, Time Magazine’s Man of the Year announced he would be spending all of his Facebook billions on complete Facial Reconstruction Surgery.  Zuckerberg says the decision comes after the painful realization that despite his fame and billions of dollars he will always be a, “doofy nerd with a less-than-admirable personality”. 

Album Review: Pelican Bomb – Attention Deficit Disco

In the world of music, 2010 was the year of the mash-up. Many of the top hits this year sampled other successful songs, such as Kid Cudi’s “Make Her Say”, which samples the acoustic version of Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face”. The public has seemed to ignore the fact that many songs “borrow” from other artists

Are You As Happy As Me?

Today, I think I’ll eat a big bowl of Skittles and wildflowers just to throw up a rainbow. And you know what? I’ll be laughing the whole time. After that, heck, I might start listening to Christmas Carols on repeat and not stop for the next twelve weeks, just because I like their catchy melodies

Family Video Introduces “Family Videos” To Adult Section

Confirming a long standing suspicion, it is now official that Family Video is in fact a cult run by creepy weirdoes.  As if the horrendous light beacon in front of the building and strange robot employees weren’t enough to cause alarm, the company recently announced they would begin carrying a series of incest themed adult

Before You Dress Like A Whore For Halloween…

Keep in mind everyone is judging you.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s acceptable to dress like a schizophrenic stripper just because little kids go door to door begging for candy.  You’re wrong.  You look ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself.  I don’t care how cute your “girls” claim you look or how

Man Tries To Obtain “Jesus-Powers” Through Bread And Wine Diet

“Weight ain’t an issue when you can walk on water.” This is Jeffery Bigelow’s mantra for his drastic and experimental new diet consisting of only red wine and bread. Bigelow, a Chicago Transit Authority employee for 14 years and father of three, decided his life had potential to be so much more. “Bein’ a daddy

Sixth Grader’s Book Report Saved By Netflix

“How America was Saved by a retard,” this was the title of Randall Boyce’s American History book report. Six weeks ago it was called upon Randall to read chapters 5 and 6 in his American History textbook and, “discuss in 3-5 pages the Vietnam War, including the reasons for U.S. involvement and charting the outcome